Relevant Links
- Becoming Men Podcast
- Ray’s Website | www.thebecomingmen.com
- Twitter | @raydelanuez
- Instagram | @raydelanuez
Recommended Episodes
- Virginity, Porn, and the Standard for Sex | Life on Target Podcast
- Straight Talk for Dads: Raising Sons in a Pornographic Age | Life on Target Podcast
Show Summary
- What makes Ray de la Nuez tick? [0:04:03]
- Growing up dirt poor in a little hut in the Dominican Republic. Immigrating to the United States. [0:04:39]
- The way that negative mindsets attach to a person because of their upbringing. [0:05:17]
- Growing up with a poverty and lack mindset. [0:05:24]
- Joining the Marine Corp because to fix some things. [0:05:41]
- Enlisting in the Marine Corps because it was an opportunity; not because a lot of thought went into it. [0:06:07]
- God works everything together for good. [0:06:12]
- Learning hard lessons that were packaged as heartache. [0:06:26]
- Reflecting on a decade of experience in the military and how to be a resource to men. [0:06:35]
- Ray’s desire to help guys shortcut through some of the aches and pains of life. [0:07:32]
- We are waiting on the Lord to show us what to do—we are just living a God–centered life. [0:08:20]
- It’s easy to miss the real, impactful moments of your own story because you’re living it. [0:10:10]
- The importance for everyone to take some self-reflection time. [0:10:23]
- The connection between a poverty background and a feeling a lack. [0:10:35]
- When there’s a feeling of lack, then you’re going to want to fill it. [0:10:42]
- One of the worst things that can happen to a man is to feel a lack and not know what it is. [0:10:50]
- Sometimes you can be moving and feel like you’re making progress and it turns out that you’re just chasing your tail. [0:10:56]
- John Eldridge and the key question for men: “Do I have what it takes?” [0:12:21]
- How high school wrestling led to an affirmation of the false self. [0:12:34]
- In a poverty mindset, if anyone else wins, you lose. [0:12:48]
- Growing up with a very promiscuous father, wanting to top his exploits. The spoiling of innocence through pornography. [0:13:13]
- Making it it to Division 1 wrestling. [0:14:20]
- Growing up without the concept of wearing out, depression, or anxiety and how it started to creep into life. [0:14:45]
- Deciding to move on to the next best thing: join the Marine Corps. [0:15:00]
- “Physically I was 19 or 20 years old, but emotionally I was 12 or 13.” [0:15:23]
- Recognizing emotional immaturity is embarrassing when you are a meritorious corporal. and it’s even more embarrassing when you are a sergeant leading your men into a combat zone. [0:15:29]
- Bringing a woman along on the journey. [0:15:44]
- If guys who doubt themselves would actually press themselves enough—they would actually be able to outlast whatever they mentally tell themselves. [0:18:12]
- As weak as you feel right now, you can do it. [0:18:28]
- There comes a point when you are no longer faced with just a physical challenge, but also the emotional and spiritual challenge. [0:18:33]
- Growing up without someone who was an encouragement to keep going. [0:19:42]
- The example of conflict in childhood: When you had a fight, you got mad and slammed the door, and there was no acknowledgement of fault or asking forgiveness. [0:19:59]
- The physical component of the military very easy, but the emotional and spiritual aspects always catch up to you. [0:21:19]
- My wife left me because I was half of a man. Made it 120 days before she said “I can’t do this with you.” [0:22:09]
- The price of not dealing with unresolved emotional and spiritual issues only gets heftier as you get older. [0:22:56]
- The reason why Ray’s wife came back and stuck around. [0:24:45]
- Coming to the realization that “I am surrounded by people but I am utterly alone.” [0:25:44]
- Spending the night on the beach alone in a Marine Corps issued sleeping bag crying out to God for help. [0:25:55]
- Calling a guy who offered counseling services and beginning a two year intensive discipleship journey. [0:26:31]
- Being instructed on how to be successful in the military, but not being discipled into manhood. [0:27:18]
- Having a man come in and shape my walk was the critical piece to transformation. [0:27:35]
- I could’ve gone to any other thing that would’ve helped me feel better: alcohol, drugs, sex, etc., but I ran after God. [0:28:51]
- Didn’t know what I was missing—I just knew that it was missing. [0:29:50]
- Ray’s calling to help men in overcoming sexual addictions and struggles. [0:34:56]
- Learning about porn at 6 years old and being addicted for 10 years. [0:35:19]
- Everyone who is addicted says that they can quit whenever they want—it’s not true. Why haven’t you quit already? [0:35:47]
- Porn is so pervasive in the military that everybody’s assumed to be watching it. [0:36:32]
- If you looked at a brain scan and what was happening to you when you watch pornography you would know that it affects your brain. [0:36:52]
- Saying “I should stop doing that” is not the same as saying “I will not do that anymore.” [0:38:24]
- How Ray went from being addicted to porn for 10 years to not desiring it at all. [0:39:39]
- Celebrating 10 years free from watching pornography. [0:41:00]
- Not watching porn is not the same as being freed from porn. [0:43:37]
- You can’t walk around life never thinking that you’ll ever be exposed to anything. [0:44:21]
- Checking the parent’s guide on IMDb before watching a movie: “If my six-year-old can’t watch it, I probably won’t see it, because I care about what I watch.” [0:45:15]
- Freedom is not the removal of something — is the ability to still live in the world. [0:45:55]
- The constant reminder that life is about the journey not a destination. [0:49:17]
- Asking the question: what will matter most when I am no longer here? [0:49:52]
- The one thing that I remember is good I just want to be there for my kids.” [0:51:45]
- Focus on what actually matters right now. [0:52:48]
- Choosing not to take part in the mandated vaccinations in the military. [0:53:00]
- Facing the potential of leaving the military revealed that Ray’s identity was in his job. [0:53:44]
- Starting towards living a self-sustaining life. Working on building a runway to financial freedom. [0:54:04]
- Turns out that the old way of doing things is the good way. [0:55:13]
- The lifestyle that we want to live is quiet and self sustaining. [0:56:00]
- Appreciation for Nathan’s encouragement to stay the course on social media. [1:03:03]
- Taking a strong stance feels wrong because it feels countercultural, but Jesus was the most countercultural person ever. [1:03:18]
- If we did everything that just felt easy, where would we be as a society? [1:03:36]
- God provided what we need for the next step. [1:06:27]
- Closing thoughts [1:10:23]
